It’s hard to believe that it’s been 3 years since I had to deliver our son Cade. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I miss him and my arms ache to hold him and give him kisses. My heart hurts when I reflect on all the things I haven’t been able to do with him. His birthday is always a sad day for me. I think it’s because I really allow myself to think of all the things that I miss and regret.
This day is a day where I try really hard to make it as special as I can. I want him to know how much we love him and that he is truly missed and not forgotten. Through the years I have learned that it’s easier to say to people that I have 2 kids instead of the 3 I really have. I’ve found that if I say 3 the question always comes, “where is your third?” This always leads to an answer that makes them uncomfortable and myself as well. That’s the last thing I want is for my Son to be an uncomfortable topic, so I choose to silently, in my mind say 3, while I verbally tell the person asking that I have 2. So, because of this, I try extra hard to make his birthday special because he is special and every bit a part of our family as the rest of our children.
This year I chose to document some of the things we do on his birthday. It was therapeutic for me to do so and I’m so glad I did.
First, I began my day by making a special cake that I specifically chose because of the angelic look to this cake. I found this recipe years ago and it has become Cade’s cake every year.
After Ashlee got home from school we drove to the cemetery to visit Cade and bring him flowers. When we got there we saw that his Grandparents had been by and also gave him some special flowers as well. It was really sweet to see that he is very loved!
These are the flowers that we brought him. I try to find him these same flowers every year because these are the same flowers that were used at his funeral. Every time I see these they remind me of Cade.
Here we are at the site of his grave….
After the cemetery we went home and had Cade’s special cake.
We sure miss him. Even while I write this, my heart is so sad and I miss him so much. I know that he is safe and is where he is supposed to be, with his Heavenly Father. This brings me so much comfort and joy. I know I will see him again and when I do he will have the biggest and longest hug that I have been saving just for him.